Broken

I'm not sure that anyone will read this. I realize it has been way too long since I last posted something. We are no longer in Ethiopia... this is why there have been no posts. I am feeling broken... in my heart, in my mind, and in my spirit. We left quickly and for more than one reason. This isn't the place or time to discuss those reasons. But it was hard.... one of the hardest choices I've ever made... and it haunts me still. Daily I question if I was right... if I ever heard God in the first place. There was no way to change the things that caused our early departure... but I wanted to endure longer. That wasn't an option. I can't begin to express where I'm at.... I don't even know most days. My heart is broken for Ethiopia and for the children there. I miss my kids more than words can describe... how I wish they could know how much I think about them... that I even still think of them at all. Knowing I let them down is hard to swallow. Feeling like I let everyone down is something I won't even try to swallow... not right now. Everyday I battle my thoughts... trying to line things up in my head.... trying to get answers for myself... while at the same time feeling like I must give answers to others... that's hard to do. So many things about the last year don't make sense. That's okay. I've always known it wasn't about me. But what we saw.... well, we saw it. And what we lived... we lived. Our experiences were real and life changing. Things happened that made me question God... that made me mad at God. I'm moving past that... but some scars remain forever. I'm at peace with that because our scars are small compared to the ones that so many others bare. Counting the cost is real... it's not just some phrase from the Bible... it means exactly what it says. Was I willing to count them? Am I still willing? Is God truly worth everything?.... my life... my child's life. I'm working through sadness and anger ....we both are. We're home... but it doesn't take the longing away.... wanting to wake up to their laughter.... the desire to reach out to those who need it desperately. I feel confused and out of step.... as if I've stumbled into the wrong room and can't really figure out what to do to keep up with everyone else. I look at pictures a lot... I cry a lot... I'm silent a lot. But I'm listening for God.... I believe He still speaks... and I believe He isn't finished yet. I'm in a hard place and felt like I should say so. Maybe more for myself than anyone else. I don't like to appear weak... amazing since it didn't bother Jesus and I'm supposed to be chasing after Him. I remain in His grace.... even though the future is a blur. I am humbled by what He's allowed me to witness. I am grateful He makes beauty from ashes... and I'm glad it's not about me... or it would be one big mess. Thanks for listening... thanks for praying.

Amazing Grace

God places burdens in our hearts. One of mine is for the Muslim people. I was honestly surprised when God sent us to Ethiopia …there were two other countries, one in North Africa and one in Central Asia, that we prayed about. We would have certainly worked with Muslims because that is their full population. In Ethiopia this number is about 50%. But we came here knowing it’s not about us and that God’s plans are too big for us to understand. I quickly found out about a local group of people who are working to change the statistics in this country. Last week I had the opportunity to see the fruit of seven years worth of their labor. The beautiful village of Bulbula. Over eighty families live here, in their huts, with their goats, and donkeys, and crops. They all gathered under a beautiful tree to greet us. They have NOTHING when we look upon them with our western eyes. But they have EVERYTHING they need. They are poor and dirty …. The children in rags at best …food is minimal …no electricity or running water. Yet their eyes had life and they danced and sang. They lifted their hands to heaven …giving thanks for all they had. They know they are blessed because He lives in their hearts …because they have been set free …because they have all they need. And on this day He had sent others who might be an answer to prayer. A prayer for little homes made with sticks and mud …a prayer for a small building to worship in ….a prayer for a school room for the youngest children.

I am challenged because it takes so little to give them so much. This little village is surrounded by Muslim villages …I believe the children of Bulbula will one day evangelize them. They are only one generation from Allah ….you see …this whole village has converted. God is doing amazing things. I am so grateful that I was allowed to witness God’s goodness …that I was allowed to be blessed by these wonderful people …my brothers and sisters.

In His Shadow

Lord, these four walls, they box me in
I think of all the places I have been
I long for the wind to carry me away
Backward in time to a carefree day
No worries of God or hearing His voice
What I gave up was always my choice
But now I must give all to my King
My heart, my life, my everything
It’s hard to love that homeless man
Others say, “I know you can”
But they don’t know my bitter heart
Or how some days I play the part
Not really caring about the call
Not really feeling “Christian” at all
Not seeking Jesus as I should
Not sharing truth like I could
Thinking of things I wish I had
Thinking I have the right to be sad
Looking around and wondering why
Not ever knowing if they live or die
Asking myself, “Why am I here”
To give a hug and wipe a tear?
I want to feed thousands every day
I want to share truth where the crippled lay
I want to give children a chance to smile
I want to stay and visit for a while
I want to give hope, and love, and care
I want to give so they’ll learn to share
I know the truth deep in my heart
I’m only called to do my part
Jesus my Savior is The Way
He wants me to follow Him every day
He will feed, and heal, and love
Through me He flows from above
Lord, help me to be empty for you
Help my plans be what you want to do
Help me to notice every lie
Help me remember why you had to die
Help me now as I look at each wall
Knowing you placed me here after all
May I rest easy in the shadow they give
Feeling safe where you’ve asked me to live

My apologies.... we have had SERIOUS Internet issues ...not sure if anyone is still reading. I'm trying my best...

A Sweet Bite of The Big Apple...

We’ve had a wonderful week. There has been a team here from Grace Baptist in Syracuse, NY. This group of 12 were amazing. They have been involved with supporting the widows and orphans of Ethiopia for more than two years. For some of them, it was their second trip here. All the children enjoyed VBS, games, candy and friendships that certainly surpassed language barriers. I have been so challenged by Pastor Gary and his team. There church has less than 200 members yet they support 39 missionaries. They raise large amounts of money to support children and families right here in Adama, Ethiopia. I saw God move in their hearts on more than one occasion even while they were here. The Holy Spirit would prompt them and they would just give whatever they had. I love to see people stepping out in faith…saying to God… “what do you want me to give”….and than giving it …even when they don’t know how they will. But God honors that. In a time when our churches are becoming larger and more luxurious…when our homes are bigger …our garages too full ….when our closets need organizers…when we’re too concerned with what WE are getting from OUR church instead of what GOD is DOING through HIS church …it is a blessing to see lovers of Jesus …reaching out and BEING His hands and feet ….touching, kissing, and loving the least of these. You guys ROCK and you ministered more to mine and Kenli’s hearts than you can ever know …God is so good!!!!!!


Some of the team...

Not WHERE you worship...but HOW

Only one window, only one door
Wooden benches on a cement floor
Voices rise and praise the Son
Simply led by the beat of a drum
Nothing fancy, not even a name
God shows up, just the same

Never...

"Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:16-17

Blind Ambition...

This is a blind widow who lives at our home. She makes gorgeous baskets. The first time I witnessed this, it amazed me. How does she do it? I have sat for long periods of time just watching her. It finally occurred to me she was working off experience …she didn’t need to see what she was doing. It was second nature to her …she trusted her hands to do what they always had. Why can’t I have such faith in my experience with God? I’ve seen Him in action. He’s proven time and time again that He’s faithful. The story of the Exodus always amazes me. I find myself questioning the sanity of the Israelites …how could they possibly doubt God? How could they so quickly forget what He had just done for them? If God parted the waters right before my eyes I’d never doubt again!!!… or would I? God has parted the seas for me …God has done miracles in my life …God has never broken a promise …God has never left me …He remains the same. My experience tells me that He will always provide, always make a way, always listen, always show up, always defend me and always love me. Why can’t I trust God to do what He always has? I’m no better than the Israelites. Maybe the blind widow trusts so much because she doesn’t need to see to believe…she feels the basket and knows that it is sturdy and beautiful. Maybe I’m too busy looking for God to show up …always wanting to see the miracle …always wanting to see the fruit of my labor. Instead of just trusting God’s hand. Knowing that He will make it sturdy and beautiful whether I ever see it or not! One of the most faith filled people I know is my friend Steve …who just happens to be blind. It was no accident that we crossed paths. I love that God teaches me to have better sight through those who can’t see.

Praises...

I am surrounded by reasons to praise Him.

Four more precious children have been released…. Nate, James, Mercy, and Isaiah passed court on January 12th… the whole process was done in God’s time. We have been praying for these children for quite some time. I am thrilled they will be home soon with their wonderful new family. You can witness God’s grace unfold this story on Tracy’s blog at www.ourunveiledfaces.blogspot.com .

“A” and “T” have also been released. Their journey has been long….the kind of journey that wears down the soles of one’s shoes… the kind that leaves you dusty and tired …the kind that leaves scars …real and emotional. They have waited too long… finally …prayers are answered …the process of their rescue has begun. These little boys carry more pain in their little hearts than mine could ever bare. Praise God they will go HOME soon.

Aliyah Beza and Joshua Cherinet have placed their feet on new soil…. Yes, it’s a new country …but more important, it’s a new life. One that offers a home, a Mom and Dad who love Jesus and adore their children …a life with plenty to eat, a bed to call their own, laughter, hugs, acceptance …a place where scars can heal and hope can grow. I love you both …you carry a piece of my heart …you have been blessed with AMAZING parents …you have also been set free and I know that you will never forget those who have not. God bless you Butler family!

My heart is burdened for praise …to praise Him more often and more intensely. I have joined the Gratitude Community …a place where many are coming together to give Intentional Thanks for One Thousand Gifts (and more) …I will journal mine and put them on my blog …if you’re interested just look on the left sidebar under Intentional Thanks...

Where The Boys Are...

Our boys are 10, 8, 7, 5, 3, 2 and 3 months (not pictured)….I feel a bit like Michelle Duggar (love her) or my friend Laura M. (love her too)….boys are a bit foreign to my family, so I’ve had to adjust myself to the life of a boy. Constant running, jumping, flipping, climbing, kicking, karate chopping, mud making, bug squishing, fearless actions…..whew … a bit different from the nail polish, dolls, books, stuffed animals, baking and house playing that my family is more familiar with. Not to say that these things don’t occur in the lives of both …but they really are different. I am learning to embrace the difference and I’m happy to be where the boys are!

Boy [boy] v. A noise with dirt on it.

Keepsake

My Mom sent this little pack of paper ornaments. The children had a blast making their own creations…thought we needed a splash of color around here. Ethiopian Christmas was Thursday, January 7th…there were no decorations or even a tree…so I figured we would leave these hanging around. I went ahead and wrote their name and Ethiopia - Christmas 2009 on them….thinking they would make a neat keepsake on their American Christmas trees for years to come. Hope you're having a great day!

Note: I've been having serious internet issues...so if I'm not around...that's why.

A Piece of My Heart...

...is in WISCONSIN... where Arsema Rose and Ytbarek Taye now live...I love these children and saying goodbye was hard ...but I'm happy for their new lives and new family.

...another piece is in ARIZONA with Benjamin Tesfaye, Asher Bilisuma and Grace Miheret... the three musketeers.... These beautiful children always made me laugh...I miss them.

...and one more piece is in COLORADO with precious Yonas... his smile can melt any heart and those eyes!!!

All of these children left Ethiopia on Christmas Eve and arrived into their forever families on Christmas day... now that's a gift! I am so grateful to God for allowing me a small part of their lives... the smiles, tears and laughter. Thank you Lord for these three families who answered your call...may they each be abundantly blessed!

A day like any other...

I’ve spent Christmas away from home before. But I’ve never been in this small room, in this house, inside these four stone walls, along this dirt road, just off the beaten path, in a third world country in Africa. A country that celebrates Christmas on a different date and in a much different way. When you take away the trees, the stockings, the lights, the plastic yard figures, the music, the candy, the reindeer, the jolly man in red, the huge amounts of food, the family gatherings, the egg nog, the gifts, the plays, the traditions and the count down calendars…..yes, all the STUFF that we add to make it Christmas….well, it becomes a day like any other. I would have never known it was Christmas except I have a ten year old who wouldn’t let me forget! I love Christmas…maybe a bit too much…which is no doubt one of the many reasons I’m here. I awoke to a strange sound…but it wasn’t footsteps on the rooftop…it was the daily 5am Muslim call to prayer…than another familiar sound woke me at 6am…the sound of the handmade broom sweeping the courtyard. There was nothing magical in the air….there was no reindeer poop on the steps outside…it was just Friday. When all the STUFF is taken away….we are left with the one thing that is not of this world….Jesus…and our relationship with Him. With everything else removed, I could focus on Him and truly celebrate His birth. It should be like this every day. I spent some time this morning holding “H”….a beautiful 8 week old (we’re guessing)… who was found about 3 weeks ago laying in the dirt on the side of the road…I bet Jesus likes this story…He can probably recall the taste of dirt on His lips as an infant. I know His plans for “H” are glorious. I thought about how today for her was just another day to survive…another day waiting for simple things… things every child should have. I looked at “M”, “A” and “D”… a young girl and her two little brothers who watched their mother die from AIDS and than lost their father in a tragic accident….they know loss…they know hunger… they know poverty …they know what it’s like to be left at an orphanage by their only living relative. Today for them was just another day to survive. A day longing for a family…the comfort of their own bed …a promise of full stomachs every day. There were no visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads. But I’ve seen 7 year old “D” praise the Lord with pure abandon…they still have such hope….and joy …and they have no idea what a stocking is….much less a candy cane. I think with Christmas we are trying so hard to produce joy…to create magic …and to make others happy. What I’m realizing is that there is tons of joy all around me …all around each of us …if we’ll just look for it. I know now that I’d rather find Jesus in an unwanted child than in a plastic manger. I’d rather taste the sweetness of orphan kisses over a Snickers bar any day. God is working on my heart …on this day…just like any other.

Merry Christmas

May your Christmas be filled with gifts from above!

One of those moments...

Today, I watched my child make the right decision. One she shouldn’t have to be involved in, but she is. I’m sorry I can’t share the details. Without thinking it through… without concern for her own safety…she chose to put someone else above herself. She reacted immediately and therefore gave me a glimpse into her true character…her heart of compassion…her determination to see good prevail…that in a pinch she stepped out for another. Wow! At least for the moment I seem to have forgotten the attitude, the eye rolling and the battles…for the moment, I’m proud and even inspired…individually we can make a difference…one person making the right choice…one battle at a time…one child at a time. Have a blessed day!

SUGAR!!!!!!!!

What a treat! Kenli and I had never had sugar cane...... everyone else here had. We all got a piece..

You cut it in half and than in fourths....tear off a piece and chew on it to suck out the yumminess...

Everyone enjoyed it!!!!

This is what you do with it after you've gotten all the yummy out. Spit it on the ground!

I know...but

These three words leave my daughter’s lips way too often….and they normally send my head spinning. I consider it backtalk and disrespectful. She is certainly allowed an opinion, but I believe there is a better way to verbalize it. These three words seem to cancel whatever I’ve just said…treating it as unimportant…dismissing it for her “own” better idea. It’s something I’ve worked long and hard on to correct. Recently I was frustrated and angry after an “I know…but” encounter…and God began to reveal something to me. God likes to speak to us in a language we understand…so He often uses our lives to parallel what He wants to teach us. What I realized was this….I say these same 3 words to my Father way too often! I can hear God say “I will never leave you” and I respond “I know…but how will I manage being all alone”. I can read God’s promise “Do not worry about what you will wear or what you will eat” and I respond “I know…but where will I get the money to buy what I need”. He reminds me “I knit you together in your mother’s womb” and I respond “I know…but I don’t really like this or that about myself”. Oh, how frustrated my Father must be with me some days…but His head never spins and He never looses it. He continues to gently correct me and love me anyway. How often in daily life do each of us say to our Wonderful Father, “I know…but”….many times every day I believe. “My grace is sufficient”… “I know…but”… “I can do miracles” … “I know…but”… “With Me ALL things are possible”… “I know…but” … “I called you to adopt so I will make a way”… “I know…but”… “You are forgiven”… “I know…but”. Okay, I’ll stop…I’m sure you get the point. I know that I do this but until it was done to me I wasn’t really thinking about how disrespectful I was being to my God. Questioning His authority and treating Him as if somehow He doesn’t know what He’s talking about. Absurd!!!!!!!….just like a ten year old who thinks she knows more than her mother! I’m trying so much harder to just accept what He says… no questions, no doubts, no buts…

Dear Lord...

You can restore ANYTHING….even when I doubt…even when I question how…even when I try to bypass you and do it on my own…even when I decide it can’t be done…even when I wonder how you can…even when I refuse to believe…even when I quit and walk away…You CAN still do it!!!!!!!! You are capable…you make all things possible…your plans and ways are perfect…you know what I need…you can make it brand new…you are victorious…you love me more than I can understand…you aren’t worried about the enemy. You know what has broken my heart…you know what causes my tears…you know my desires…you want me to be happy…you know what my future holds. Trusting you is sometimes hard…I know you are all I need, but living that is difficult…there are days in my human weakness that I desire more than you. I must lay it at your feet….I must pick up your promises, your protection and your love…I must walk away believing that it’s worth it….whatever IT is. I know Satan has been victorious so many times in my life…I live with the consequences of his victories everyday. That doesn’t mean I’m not forgiven…or restored. But life is REAL…the good and the bad…God and Satan…truth and sin. For me, one is past and one is now…but I remember because I never want to forget. That WAS MY life….my path…it has helped to shape my today. I ask BIG and pray BIG because I believe my God is BIG…bigger than anything in this world. He might say no, but I can live with that…I want no more regrets in my life…they are much harder to live with than no.

I’m asking BIG!!!!!….HUGE….ENORMOUS…but I think it only looks that way to me…God isn’t worried.

I Love These Faces...

Diverse...Beautiful...REAL
I thought you might love them too!

Look What's Been Hanging On My Clothesline...

Welcome to our 3 newest arrivals...."R" is an adorable 2 month old little boy, "A" is an energetic 2 year old cutie pie, and "H" is a gorgeous 1 month old little girl. The clothesline may be a little fuller but so are our hearts!

The Big City

We are in Addis Ababa (the capital of Ethiopia) for a few days. My director (boss of my boss) is visiting from the States and we have the privilege of hanging out with her a bit. We have been going non-stop...but it has been great. We have seen a lot of the city and are learning more about the inner workings of international adoption. One highlight was seeing (and hugging) six of my sweet children from Adama. They have all passed court and came up to Addis to await Embassy appointments and of course their new parents. I have missed them terribly these last few weeks and was thrilled to see them. They will all be heading home for Christmas! We have tagged along with Joy (the boss lady) to meet with children who are just being placed and we also met a wonderful (but very sick) two year old who desperately needs sponsorship. Check out http://www.thatwemightbeadopted.blogspot.com/ to read Joy's account ...it's far better than anything I could write. Today we hung out with some WONDERFUL "former" street kids who are part of YWAM's Mercy Ministry here in Addis. They are on fire for the Lord and their stories break my heart and inspire me all at the same time. There are so many stories to be told and so many children to help ...I am glad God has a plan!

I love this face !!!!!!