Thursday, October 8, 2009

Jesus Never Fails...

Today, I decided to quit…(with some of you I have shared how I want to quit every day)…but today I was pushed to the very limits…my values tested one too many times…my boiling point reached…the lies of the enemy lingering by my ear had gone from a whisper to a scream…feeling defeated and unappreciated…I was having a crash landing…I was mad…and I was even madder that I couldn’t vent because no one speaks English…I had bit my tongue too many times…kept quite so as not to give in to the enemy… I am at an ugly place on the inside right now…trying to find my way…trying to wait on God, but feeling more alone than ever…trying not to throw arrows even though some people deserve one right between the eyes… feeling sorry for myself…hmmmmm… what to do…well cry of course… because I was sad…which led to … I have no one to share this with… which led to… I’m so alone… which led to … crying over a lost love… which led back to… feeling sorry for myself… which led to… why am I even here… which led to… I am a horrible mother… I think you get the pathetic picture… I am now a crumbled mess at the feet of Jesus…and than I remembered a story about someone who had a really BAD day… He was betrayed by a friend, arrested without cause, falsely testified against, beaten, disowned by another friend, judged by those in power, accused of many things and than a crowd of people who didn’t even know him shouted, “Crucify Him”…they stripped him, then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head… they mocked him, spit on him and struck him on the head again and again… they divided up his clothes by casting lots and shouted, “Let him save himself”. He was forced to carry his own cross up to the place where they crucified him… as he slowly died, they sneered at him and hurled insults… not to mention the agony, blood, and pain… or the weight of my sin on his shoulders… not once did he shout “this isn’t fair” or “I didn’t do anything wrong”… he was the King of Kings… he could of saved himself…it’s a good thing I don’t have that power…because I believe I would save myself… and from circumstances far better than the ones my King endured. Dear Lord, forgive me…on the days I complain and feel sorry for myself I am so glad that although I am weak, you are made strong in my weakness; that my lack of faith always causes me to sink, but you can walk on water; that my eyes still doubt the miracles I see, but your miracles open blind eyes; that I see a mountain as reason to change course, but you move mountains; that I fear there may not be enough food, but you care for me more than the sparrows; that I complain my load is heavy even though you held the weight of the world’s sin while hanging on a cross; that I resent the authority placed over me, forgetting you are the one who placed me here; that I can walk past a homeless man without taking notice, not even remembering I just worshiped one on Sunday; that I have no problem climbing up on a pedestal to condemn the sin around me, when I need to be on my knees begging forgiveness for my own; that I tell someone I’ll pray for them and never get around to it, all the while you are at the right hand of the Father interceding on my behalf; that I complain that my food is cold while others are begging for food; that I doubt the promises you make me, even though your words have the power to speak a universe into existence; that I am so bothered I can’t help many that I overlook the joy of helping one, knowing in my heart that you would have suffered and died that day even if for one…even if that one was me. Thank you for not quitting Jesus. Thank you for greeting me each morning with brand new mercy. Thank you for the shadow of your wings. Thank you for always moving our meeting place to where I am. Thank you that all your gifts are good and perfect. Thank you for letting me start over every single time I mess up.

“O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from you presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” Psalms 139:1-10

Jesus…YOU ARE MY KING
 
 
 

14 comments:

karrie said...

It's really powerful to share emotion....thanks for being vulnerable.

Great blog...not sure how I found you but I'm enjoying it!

HBWhite said...

Kelly - you are one of his saints. These rough patches will come, but you are so strong in your faith that working through them lifts you and all those around you to new heights. You are Hercules, and some days you feel that weight. As a note, you are now the first missionary listed on the Wed. night prayer bulletin - please know that all of FBC is praying for you and all of your wonderful efforts. God bless you, and may you feel his loving embrace.
Heather

Caribbean Cindy said...

Thanks for being transparent with us Kelly. You truly have been put in a very hard place and your feelings are normal. I am sure you feel very lonely at times. I will pray for Jesus to make His presence very real to you at those times. Wish I could give you a big hug right now! The most important thing is that you have been obedient to Him and He is SO pleased with that!! Love you girl!!

Amy said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and your faith. You bless me.
Also, you asked on my blog where our new little boy is. He is in Addis at the Faith house. He is one and his name is Melkamu. :0) Let me know if you ever see him. Praying for you- Amy

misslynda said...

I can't add anything new because I was thinking everything that has already been written! You are such a mentor to many of us because you always point us back to Jesus. As you said, our trials look so meager in comparison. I will be praying that God gives you encouragement. Remember at our lunch about a month before you left that I told you the enemy would possibly seek to discourage you once you got settled. It happened to us after a major move. The enemy loves to come in after victories.

The Fab 4 said...

I really cannot imagine what a day is like for you and Kenli, but I do know that you are so very brave. Whether you feel brave or not, you are. Thank you for serving those around you. You are the topic of conversation so often around out house, and we're cheering you on.

Chris said...

Kelly,

Thank yo so much for your obedience to the Lord! You are His hands and feet right now? We hope to get to meet you in a few months, when we can finally come get our little ones!

Blessings!
Chris Butler

Anonymous said...

Kelly, Thanks for sharing your heart with us. What an inspiration you are to so many of us. You are being obedient and God is going to honor that.
I appreciate you taking time to blog. I enjoy reading your updates.
He is able and He is faithful. He has you in the palm of His hand and no one can snatch you out of it!
Love you,
Holly

Mrs. Tara said...

I love you! Thank you for keeping on!

Stacie said...

WOW.... powerful testimony! We are praying for you here in East TN!

Stacie
( the "other" Kenli's aunt!:) )

Dee Dee said...

kelly,
We are prayng for you and Kenli!! Thanks for sharing your heart with us. You are an inspiration to us. Love you.
Dee Dee

Deanna said...

There is no glory in sacrifice....just death....the glory come in the resurrection!!! Only in our total brokenness does HE LIFT us up to walk again. I LOVE YOU and love your openness....we will pray for strength to endure.

Mary Helen said...

Kelly, We are praying for you and Kenli as you go through this difficult period. May God give some new insight today as you continue to follow Him.

Anonymous said...

Kelly,
A friends sight started my journey to your blog. I don't know if I could retrace the steps to how I arrived here but I know that I was supposed to land here.
The Lord of Lords speaks through you so well and I feel like I have been shaken a little, lifted up and encouraged, all to be reminded of His amazing love. Thank you for your openess and your honesty. To many times I, too, feel like "Woe is me", and forget about all that has been done for us.
I look forward to reading about journey of hope for all these kids and the walk of faith that you will continue to follow.
Your sister in Christ,
Kelli