Thursday, June 10, 2010

Broken

I'm not sure that anyone will read this. I realize it has been way too long since I last posted something. We are no longer in Ethiopia... this is why there have been no posts. I am feeling broken... in my heart, in my mind, and in my spirit. We left quickly and for more than one reason. This isn't the place or time to discuss those reasons. But it was hard.... one of the hardest choices I've ever made... and it haunts me still. Daily I question if I was right... if I ever heard God in the first place. There was no way to change the things that caused our early departure... but I wanted to endure longer. That wasn't an option. I can't begin to express where I'm at.... I don't even know most days. My heart is broken for Ethiopia and for the children there. I miss my kids more than words can describe... how I wish they could know how much I think about them... that I even still think of them at all. Knowing I let them down is hard to swallow. Feeling like I let everyone down is something I won't even try to swallow... not right now. Everyday I battle my thoughts... trying to line things up in my head.... trying to get answers for myself... while at the same time feeling like I must give answers to others... that's hard to do. So many things about the last year don't make sense. That's okay. I've always known it wasn't about me. But what we saw.... well, we saw it. And what we lived... we lived. Our experiences were real and life changing. Things happened that made me question God... that made me mad at God. I'm moving past that... but some scars remain forever. I'm at peace with that because our scars are small compared to the ones that so many others bare. Counting the cost is real... it's not just some phrase from the Bible... it means exactly what it says. Was I willing to count them? Am I still willing? Is God truly worth everything?.... my life... my child's life. I'm working through sadness and anger ....we both are. We're home... but it doesn't take the longing away.... wanting to wake up to their laughter.... the desire to reach out to those who need it desperately. I feel confused and out of step.... as if I've stumbled into the wrong room and can't really figure out what to do to keep up with everyone else. I look at pictures a lot... I cry a lot... I'm silent a lot. But I'm listening for God.... I believe He still speaks... and I believe He isn't finished yet. I'm in a hard place and felt like I should say so. Maybe more for myself than anyone else. I don't like to appear weak... amazing since it didn't bother Jesus and I'm supposed to be chasing after Him. I remain in His grace.... even though the future is a blur. I am humbled by what He's allowed me to witness. I am grateful He makes beauty from ashes... and I'm glad it's not about me... or it would be one big mess. Thanks for listening... thanks for praying.

14 comments:

Sherri said...

Hi Kelly! I am reading. I would love to grab a moment of your time since you are back stateside. Email me when you feel like it. Thanks!

Tracy said...

Oh this reminds me of our sweet Nate's heart. He wrote me a note telling me that he is broken and he is always praying for those left behind. I don't know your situation, but I know your heart is beautiful and in tune with God's. He will bring His plan for you to fruition for sure!!

Psalm 51:17---The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

Amanda said...

I'm praying for you and Kenli. I can't even begin to imagine where you are right now, but I'm glad that you've openly let us know your need so that we can support you in prayer.

misslynda said...

I knew when I saw you at VBS that you were in a bit of inner turmoil and sadness. I have been praying for you. I love you both very much and admire that no matter what happens you seek Jesus even harder. You don't have to give anyone any answers - - - only HIM! And remember we all have our time in the desert wondering why the wind has seemed to blow away the road leading out of there.

The Munck Family said...

I love you my Sister and Miss Kenli! You both have and will remain in our families daily prayers. Seek to look to Him and He will give you the peace you need...while showing you where He wants you. Thank you for sharing your sweet heart!

Much love to you,
Laura

Stacie said...

Kelly- this is Kenli's Aunt of (www.kenliskorner.blogspot)- followed you and YOUR Keni often- and would love to meet you sometime... I DO believe we are from the same "neck of the woods". If you need a new friend- or an objective sounding board- I am here! stacieclifton@yahoo.com

Stacie

Kristan said...

Praying for you.

Lindsey said...

I am sorry. I know how hard it is to try and understand His will. It is the hardest part of this life. Praying for you!

Chris said...

Thanks for sharing your heart Kelly....praying for you both.

Amy said...

Praying for you Kelly... I have no idea what happened but I want you to know that I am so inspired by you. Sometimes when we follow God we don't end up where we though we would- but we end up where He knew we would- exactly where He allowed us to be. I also know that He uses everything for His good. What you saw, what you learned and what you experienced changed your life and you can use that for His glory. I cannot wait to see what He does next with your amazing faith and amazing heart. Love you and praying for you. ((HUGS)) Amy

Kristen Tober Halvorson said...

Praying for you. I can not imagine the angst in your heart. Living for the Lord is so costly--- yet, such a great privilege. I know your heart is breaking, but just keep going... keep your heart and mind focused on Him, and He will certainly reveal all you need to know to process this mission. So many of us owe so much to you and your daughter: you've nurtured and loved many of our kids before we even had a chance to. You've touched them forever, and us, too. Please don't be so hard on yourself! The Lord knew exactly how long and why and how you were to serve Him in Ethiopia. He now has something else for you. But take the time to recover. Trust that He will reveal His will for you in due time. You are a very brave and honest woman. You have given many of us a fine example. Thank you for your service to our Lord's mighty Kingdom!

Julie Avila said...

Kelly,
I just got on here, and I hope you get this. I am Tariku's mom and I met you and Kenli in March when we visited the orphanage. I don't know anything about your situation, but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I was only there 10 days. My heart breaks for you and I will be praying for you. Hardly a day goes by when I don't think about the sweet older children at the home. You were there for many reasons and blessed so many children (and parents--you were a highlight to my trip). You might not have all the answers this side of heaven, but know that you were such a valuable asset to the children and widows. I am so sorry. My email is jewelsavila@yahoo.com if you want to send me a note. Praying for you and Kenli.

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

I realize this was posted almost a year ago, but I just wanted to say I hope you are seeing some of the beauty from the ashes. May God be with you!

Cheesemakin' Mamma said...

Thank you for the prayers for my friend's son, Kelly!