Broken

I'm not sure that anyone will read this. I realize it has been way too long since I last posted something. We are no longer in Ethiopia... this is why there have been no posts. I am feeling broken... in my heart, in my mind, and in my spirit. We left quickly and for more than one reason. This isn't the place or time to discuss those reasons. But it was hard.... one of the hardest choices I've ever made... and it haunts me still. Daily I question if I was right... if I ever heard God in the first place. There was no way to change the things that caused our early departure... but I wanted to endure longer. That wasn't an option. I can't begin to express where I'm at.... I don't even know most days. My heart is broken for Ethiopia and for the children there. I miss my kids more than words can describe... how I wish they could know how much I think about them... that I even still think of them at all. Knowing I let them down is hard to swallow. Feeling like I let everyone down is something I won't even try to swallow... not right now. Everyday I battle my thoughts... trying to line things up in my head.... trying to get answers for myself... while at the same time feeling like I must give answers to others... that's hard to do. So many things about the last year don't make sense. That's okay. I've always known it wasn't about me. But what we saw.... well, we saw it. And what we lived... we lived. Our experiences were real and life changing. Things happened that made me question God... that made me mad at God. I'm moving past that... but some scars remain forever. I'm at peace with that because our scars are small compared to the ones that so many others bare. Counting the cost is real... it's not just some phrase from the Bible... it means exactly what it says. Was I willing to count them? Am I still willing? Is God truly worth everything?.... my life... my child's life. I'm working through sadness and anger ....we both are. We're home... but it doesn't take the longing away.... wanting to wake up to their laughter.... the desire to reach out to those who need it desperately. I feel confused and out of step.... as if I've stumbled into the wrong room and can't really figure out what to do to keep up with everyone else. I look at pictures a lot... I cry a lot... I'm silent a lot. But I'm listening for God.... I believe He still speaks... and I believe He isn't finished yet. I'm in a hard place and felt like I should say so. Maybe more for myself than anyone else. I don't like to appear weak... amazing since it didn't bother Jesus and I'm supposed to be chasing after Him. I remain in His grace.... even though the future is a blur. I am humbled by what He's allowed me to witness. I am grateful He makes beauty from ashes... and I'm glad it's not about me... or it would be one big mess. Thanks for listening... thanks for praying.